Love.

I am obsessed with love. With the whole concept of it, with the idea of it, with imagery related to it, with people in it, with the word.

The image above, I found on LJ Secret. It's not really a secret as such, but I think it's so beautiful. Two people meeting, falling deeply in love, staying together for life, each unable to live without the other, literally until 'death do us part'.

Love is such an overwhelming thing, and it's generally supposed to wonderful, but right now, for me it's anything but.
I literally cannot get B out of my head. I haven't written anything about her here yet; there's a huge story to go with this girl.

Shortened version...? I've known her for five years. We've known each other since before either of us even figured out our sexuality. We became incredibly close friends and were pretty much inseparable, despite living in different counties, going to different schools, having completely different friends, etc. After about three years, something happened [I have no idea what, although I suspect it had something to do with the crowd she started hanging around with] and she informed me that she didn't think we should be friends any more. I was devastated, for lack of a better word. I was completely crushed, inconsolable. I mean, she was my everything, I didn't know what to do without her. But, of course, eventually, I learned, and I coped. Then, maybe two years ago, possibly less, we met again, and things slowly started picking up again, but never got back to what we had before. After a short while, we both admitted we had feelings for each other, but both had been too nervous and frightened to act upon it. Regardless, still nothing happened, and she started going out with a girl who lives in a different country. They have been on/off for over a year now. To keep it simple, I do not like this girl. [Yeah, yeah, I have never met her. I do not need to, trust me.] Anyway, B and I started hanging out more often at the end of last Summer and into September, still just innocently as friends, but always just the two of us. We went another while without meeting up in person, but kept in contact online or through texts.
Two weeks ago, completely out of the blue, I received a text from her saying something like "We should hang out soon, I miss seeing you. X". I should point out that every 11:11 wish I made was for her to say this to me. We arranged to meet last Tuesday. I used a lot of petrol [she doesn't drive] just driving around, but I didn't care. A lot of flirting was going on [it was okay, the on/off relationship was currently off], and eventually, when I had just parked up in Tesco car park, she said nervously, stumbling "Can I.... can I kiss you?" to which my heart was pounding so fiercely I was sure she could see it through my shirt. I said "Yes", cue the kiss I had waited five years for. We kissed again when I left her home. I drove home with the biggest smile on my face, dancing and being generally high on natural happiness.
Two days later, I was out clubbing with my best friend [R] and two other girls who I knew from school. Drunkenly, R and I decided it would be a good idea for R to text B, letting her know I don't stop talking about her, let alone stop thinking about her. Bad plan.
B told R that although she really liked me, she couldn't do anything with me, as her and the on/off girl were almost back on.
Cue heartbreak.
So, over the next couple of days I was texting B constantly, and she basically told me she'd be willing to be in a relationship with me, at the same time as on/off girl. I was in such a state of mental and emotional stress, I contemplated it, and practically agreed to it. I came to my senses the next day, and told her that no, I couldn't knowingly and deliberately carry out something so malicious. It nearly broke me to do this. I don't really know in what state things are with us at the moment, to be honest. She asked me to stay the night on Monday night, but I said no. Really, badly, wanted to say yes, and it would have been so easy for me to do it. But it doesn't matter how much I dislike her girlfriend, it's wrong. If something happened on a spur of the moment or something, I think it'd be different.

The whole thing has made me go right back to square one in regards to my panic attacks, general anxiety problems, and as for feeling 'alright' about being a lesbian, forget it.

One thing I have learned, though, is if she really did love me like she said she did, she wouldn't put me in that position. A secret relationship? I couldn't do it. I am too jealous a person. I need someone who's going to be honest, trustworthy and faithful. Having said that, if B left her girlfriend for me right now, I'd be with her in an instant. Last night, on MSN, I freaked out, big time, when I saw her display picture was of her and another girl [may I add, an incredibly beautiful girl], and I thought this was her girlfriend. It took a lot of 'research' and online 'stalking', but I eventually managed to discover this was not her girlfriend in the photo. I was then able to calm down. Irrational, much?

So, right now, I hate being in love. It's probably not love, if I hate it.

That was the shortened version, I swear.