Sleeping in throws me off for the entire day.

Place: Sofa, Living room.
Listening to: All Over Me [Danger Flowers]

I slept in this morning, woke up at 8:32am. I slept right through all my alarms. I normally leave for work at 8:30, so I freaked out. Felt crap about it 'cause it was my first day back after being off for a week and a half, but I made it for five past nine.

Being back in work today was really strange, that time off I had was the first proper time off I've had in a year since I started working there. And it really had me thinking all day, I am definitely going to look for another job, and get a place to live, somewhere far from here. I have to. I was talking on MSN to my friend A, and she really put this idea in my head. Living across the water in a city, with a new job that I actually want to get up for in the morning, is what I need. I can't live an honest life here, everything is a lie, and eventually this sneaking around and hiding things is going to get too much for me.

I tried to join gaydargirls.com but the filters my dad has put on this computer wouldn't let me on the website. Not sure how to get around that, maybe sort it out using someone else's computer or something. I know it's not urgent, but I'm just really needing something right now, someone to identify with and discuss things with, someone who sees things the same way as me, and is finding things as difficult as me, or previously has.

For now, I am going through the motions [work, home, sleep], adding in the fact I am now having a drink basically every night. Have a bottle of wine waiting for me once I wash up the dishes from dinner and feed the dogs.

When I was tipsy last night and couldn't sleep, I was texting R [best friend I mentioned yesterday] and said something like "One day I will find a fantastic girl who won't string me along or be a player, and we'll live in a gorgeous apartment together." And whilst it was all drunken stupidity, it is what I want really. Everyone thinks I love being single [I tell them this so they get off my back about not having a boyfriend], but really, deep in my heart, I long for someone so badly it physically aches.

Feeling a bit vulnerable now I've admitted that, so I'm going to go and clean up here. Will probably make another post later if I have any luck in the job searching.

Love, Unwelcome S. x