I miss you.

I need to know what's going on in her head.
I need to know what she's thinking.
This is driving me mad. Fucking me up.

My sister is leaving in six days; I don't know what I'm going to do without her. I haven't really even accepted that she's going, it hasn't hit me yet.

If I don't hear from B by my birthday I'll be devastated. I'm going to need someone so much, and my two usual ports-of-call are my sister and B.

I really fucking miss B.

How very Charlie.

I wrote this on Thursday during my lunch break in work. Just trying to get my thoughts on paper, but it's pretty damn hard. I'm not too sure if I should even post this, but I'm trying self-therapy, and right now I'd try anything.

There are so many attachments that make a break up so difficult to deal with. Aside from the obvious loss of the other person, you have to accept that they don't want you any more. Which leads a paranoid person like me, who over-thinks things, to question every little detail. Did I say something wrong? Did I do something to agitate her? Was it something I wore one day, or how I wore my hair once? What was it that sparked it all off?
I have to accept that I can't text her whenever I feel like it. I won't get unexpected, cute texts from her during work. I don't get to kiss her, hold her hand, gaze at her, play with her hair, or any of those things.
We won't sit on her bed playing guitar and singing. We won't discuss books, authors or characters. We won't talk about our separate little oddities, our mini-obsessions, or compare ourselves to a fictional character.
There were so many things I never got to tell you. Like how I love the curve of your neck, and the taste of your mouth, and how you mess up my hair. And how you tease me and wind me up. And how you're the only person I've ever held eye-contact with for longer than ten seconds and not been petrified. I love your eyes. I love the way you look at me. Looked at me. No-one's ever looked at me like that before.
We had plans. All sorts of things we were going to do. Go to your formal together, you in a suit, me in a dress. Road trips. Getting drunk. Writing novels and articles. Walking on the beach. I was in the middle of making you a proper, meaningful mix CD, handmade cover and all.
I wanted to read books with you, do crosswords and Sudoku with you, drink coffee with you, share cigarettes with you, discuss books - plots, characters and endings - with you. I wanted to go for walks with you, and take our dogs with us.
I wanted to treat you so well, love you properly, take care of you, hold you so close, guard your heart, protect you from the world.
But, it wasn't to be.
Now I won't get to spend my twenty-first birthday with you, or get you to be the first to read my novel, or get to send you little surprise gifts, or make you tea, or tell you I love you.

I hope [she] does all of these things for you. I hope she makes you happy, makes you truly, genuinely smile. I hope she treats you right. Most of all, I hope she appreciates you, because God knows I wish you were mine.

I still love you.
Unwelcome Sound. xx

I was actually starting to feel slightly better about it.
Was.
Past tense.

Language warning. Anger warning.

Guess the FUCK what?
She is going back to her fucking ex girlfriend!
I waited five FUCKING years, got one week, and her ex wins yet a-fucking-gain.

I'm going to be sick.

I feel the biggest fool.
I feel like I can't breathe. Like, my chest is compressing so hard and squeezing my heart so tight that there is no way I can ever use it again.

HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BROKEN MY FUCKING HEART?
I shoulda seen this coming anyway. I just let myself believe it was finally my turn.

Making pathetic excuses for all of this does not help at all.
I am so fucking angry. Moreover, I am so fucking upset.

Please nobody tell me it's my fault, no-one say 'I told you so'.
I did the right thing, I refused to be with her while she was with N.
I DID THE RIGHT THING.
N has fucked her over more times than I can remember, cheated on her, left her for their friend, told her she hated her, been a complete bitch to her, ETC.
What have I ever done to her?

I've already taken too many painkillers. Don't worry, I'm not gonna go overdosing and ending up in hospital.

She just texted asking for my address so she can mail me the money for the hotel we stayed in last night that I paid for.

This fucking hurts.

Happy, happy, happy.

I can't stop smiling.
She makes me so happy.
The way she looks at me gives me butterflies.

We're going to Dublin overnight on Saturday. DRINK.

I want to post a photo of her so you can all see how beautiful she is, but yeah, anonymity and all that. Just take my word for it =]

I am no longer single.

Okay, so N [on/off girl] broke up with B.
I met up with B last night, we went for coffee and then very randomly went to our friend TB's house.
You know the rest.

Love sparkles.

It's not that anything wonderful has happened, but things are looking less bleak.
I'm still being ridiculously immature and allowing myself to conjure up situations and happenings in my mind. I am not helping myself in any way. But hey, I spend a lot of time travelling alone every day.

Sometimes, I really regret every little thing that has led me to this point in my life.
If I had done one thing differently, would I be here, in this place, in this life? Would I be this girl? What would my life be like? Better, or worse? Hell, it could be either.

Love, what the fuck is it? It's not a frickin' sparkler on a dark night... not right now, anyway.