Okay, so I never finished that last post.
I have had a horrendous week. I have been sick for a month, and am so exhausted.
But, basically, I think I am applying to university. Despite my protesting for four years that I didn't want to go, I think I am actually going to go.
I have fallen in love with the idea of studying Creative Writing with English Literature.
I am quite scared of moving away though, I've never lived away from home. But, as far as I can tell, all the decent courses are in Wales.
It is stupid for me to be so apprehensive at twenty-one?
What if I'm not capable of doing the course? What if I don't meet anyone there, don't make any friends? What if I hate it, and I've spent all that money? What if I can't cope being away from home? I know I need to get away from 'home' [this place has never felt like my home], stop being smothered by my family, but through all the talk of getting away and being my own person for the first time, am I really ready to do it?

Last night was a messy night.
My best friend is mad at me, because I drank too much vodka on an empty stomach, threw up, and had to come home, when we were out celebrating our friend's birthday. But hey, I'm not the one who slapped her, and I paid for my own taxi back to her house while the rest of them went on to the club.

Today I am agitated. I am becoming completely brain-dead in my job, and I have decided I have to do something different.

1. Apply to university and get the hell out of here.
2. Open a book and coffee shop.

I'm going to finish this post later, and write down my ideas for the shop.

Why do I do it to myself?
I resisted for months.
I went on B's Facebook, and it is official. Even though I knew it in the back of my mind, I was hoping it was just my mind being overactive and hating me.

She is listed as -
In a relationship with [insert hyperlink to on/off girl's Facebook]

There was always that little doubt inside of me that kept me going, the memory of her saying "I'm not going back to her, she's in a relationship too".

I am in so in love with her.

And I just realised that by being so fucking stupid and doing all this, I missed the one thing I was looking forward to all day - making my wish at 11:11 on 11/11. There had to be extra magic around today for that.

What a strange day. Stressed out in work, yet felt horny all day.
It doesn't feel right using that word, I don't think I've ever used it to describe myself before. But honestly, so turned on. This is odd for several reasons;

1. I have no girlfriend.
2. I have no prospects of sex in the foreseeable future.
3. I am technically a virgin.
   
4. The girl I kept thinking about that was getting me turned on, is the girl that broke my heart two months ago.

I would still love to fuck her. Crude, but absolutely true.
Like, if I thought she wanted it, I'd go to her house tonight.

This is not normal for me!

Children.

My friend and her boyfriend are planning ahead to when they have children, and told me today they have already decided they want me to be godmother. Whilst they aren't even expecting yet, I felt so happy. This could be the closest I could ever get to having a child.

When I was at college, I took an extra class in counselling skills, and to get my certificate I had to spend a full day with the rest of the class and our tutor in a tiny room, and one of the activities we had to do was to make a collage on a piece of A3 paper, split into four sections [Myself; My Family; My Best Friend; My Hopes & Dreams for the Future], I spent so long on this project, tearing pictures and words out of various magazines provided for us. When we were finished [I wasn't quite done with mine, I remember feeling very rushed] we had to present it to the rest of the room, which of course, I hated doing.
But anyway, my point is, when I got home I put my collage up on my wall and my mum asked me a few days later about it. She said she noticed I had put in the Future section photos of babies and children, and a nice home etc, but no husband. At the time I thought nothing of it [bear in mind it took me a long time to figure out that the reason I felt different and out of place, was that I'm gay, I didn't know it at this point, although I did know I was attracted to other girls], but looking back, it is obvious why I didn't represent a male in this section.

Anyway, my point is, I have always wanted to have children, loads of children of my own.
My problem is, I can never see a time where I can come out to my family, therefore I can't have kids minus a husband. My family are strong, devoted Christians, and I was brought up this way.
Therefore, I have very different opinions on abortion, IVF, etc than most gay people.

I know I am only twenty-one, and I shouldn't have to worry about this right now, but even as I have grown up and 'figured myself out' as a lesbian [this took years, but I'm sure that's the same for a lot of gay people], I have still felt a strong maternal instinct.

It's not something I need to confront right now, as I am single and still live at home, but I constantly wonder where I'll be in ten years. Already, my life hasn't turned out remotely the way my naive twelve-year-old self thought it would.

Losing it.

I've barely been at home this week, just stopping in long enough to sleep and shower.
My brother's friend was staying with us from a foreign country, and basically we were left alone for about five hours on Monday night. He was very inappropriate and creeped me out with the things he kept saying, and the way he kept touching me. My parents thought I was overreacting, particularly my mum, and kept telling me to give him a chance and try to enjoy his company for the remainder of his stay.
Needless to say, I avoided him the rest of the week, by not coming home as much as I could. I went to work, and did anything I could after work so as not to go home.
I met up with B, and we went to visit TB on Wednesday night. It was so good to see B again, God I have missed her so much. It wasn't too awkward, not really at all, actually.
On Thursday night I was driving around in a daze for an hour after work, just felt so stressed out and unsupported. Anyway, TB texted at about 7pm and asked me if I could come and take her to the hospital. Even though I was miles away, I just went. I sat in the waiting room for at least an hour, it was freezing and my phone battery died. My mum was pissed off with me for not coming home and 'confronting my fears' [she insists she wasn't pissed off, but I know her, I can read her], and I just felt so alone. TB got some medication and I took her home.
I got home with barely any recollection of driving home, and I had somehow accumulated a sandwich and a bottle of juice. The Sainsbury's receipt suggests I bought them and paid with my card. I tossed and turned when I finally got into bed, gave up trying to sleep and read some of Fingersmith. Will have to re-read that section again though, I have no idea what I read.

Got kept late in work tonight, so wasn't home until almost seven.
Got a bottle of wine waiting for me, and it is so welcome right now. Would be nice to have someone to share it with though.

One of the worst things is feeling utterly uncomfortable in your own home.
I am not coming home tomorrow night.
I feel sick at the thought of having to come home.

It has been so cold this week.
Snow, ice, wind, rain.
I love getting to wrap up in a coat, hat, scarf and gloves; summer clothes frighten me.
Although, I hate wearing layers, I get too hot and claustrophobic beneath them.
I will have to get used to this though, because I'm going to Chicago in January and it is going to be beyond cold. I won't have experienced this kind of temperature before. I'm looking forward to getting a ski jacket and winter boots to take with me.
I can't wait for this holiday.
God knows how I'm going to afford it though...