Messed up.

I am a messed up person.
I know I am going to sound like a total fourteen year old here, but seriously, I am fucked up.

Here's the history of me and 'L'...

Despite growing up and living in the same town, we never met or knew each other. She sent me a private message on Bebo in Feburary of 2008 (by this time, of course, I was no longer living in that town). It said that she came across my profile randomly, and loved my flashbox video, and also that we had a similar music taste, and she just wanted to say hey. This started us sending messages through Bebo for weeks, until we finally exchanged MSN addresses, and then not long after that we exchanged mobile numbers.

In March we met for the first time. I was in town one night to meet a friend who actually let me down and never turned up. While I was waiting for said friend to come, I was texting L, and she persuaded me to come over to a party she was at. Very unlike me, I actually did go over, and picked her up. We went for a drive and went back to her house to meet some of her friends. Stayed until after 2am.

One Friday night early in April a bunch of us went to the Kremlin (gay bar/club in Belfast) and it was expected that L and I would finally get together that night. Except, I had secretly been talking to B online [my history with B is ridiculously hard to keep track of, but a few months previously we had admitted we liked each other, but then she backed out and went back to on/off girl (N). A few nights before the Kremlin night, B told me that N had broken up with her... cue flirting and dirtysexytalk.]
So this affected how I felt about L, I started to feel 'weird', like I wasn't attracted to her or something, I just felt completely strange about it all and it threw me, big time. Despite this, she persevered and we ended up kissing for about fifteen minutes. Afterwards, I couldn't look at her because I felt so bad about everything. In retrospect, of course, this was the worst thing to do because it wasn't fair on her. I blamed it on being drunk and out-of-character for some other reason I probably made up.

We continued to talk a lot online and were sending text messages constantly. In May, we bumped into each other at the same club (I was out for my sister's 18th birthday) and she kept asking me to go for a walk. I said no because I was meant to be watching out for my sister who didn't have her phone with her, but that was only a half-assed excuse to cover my reluctance. and hesistance. My memory of what happened next is somewhat hazy and sketchy, but I know we had a conversation about how we weren't "going to work" (down to distance and other bollocks). In the end she sent me a text from across the club telling me to stop texting her and not to talk to her again. Next morning she sent another text apologising for her drunken behaviour, and we resumed our strange friendship.

Since then, we have remained friends, but everything with B (particularly during the summer and early autumn) stopped me from thinking about L 'like that'. She doesn't know much about B, and I'm reluctant to bring it up, because although I'm slowly but surely moving past that, talking about her and all the shit that has gone down between us, will bring it all back to the front of my memory, and I know it will trigger my craziness, and I'll fuck everything up again.

I don't want to hurt L, I don't want to do to her what I did in April.
Right now, I do like her, but I can't guarantee that I won't get all weird again and back out.

I wasn't in control of anything, my feelings, my emotions, and the smallest thing triggered me to go into completely the opposite way of feeling (in case you didn't notice, I am struggling big time in trying to word this, but I am desperate to write it all down while it's in my head), everything went adverse, like a negative photo. I was a different person. It was like something took over me. I got a sick feeling in my stomach 24/7, I couldn't make sense of anything.

There is so much more in my head that I need to get out but it's just not happening.

I'm making it sound like I dropped L for B, but it's not like that.
I just don't know how it is.

Seriously, this is just crazy. I cannot explain myself, and I am getting increasingly frustrated with myself.

Anyway, this, and shitloads more, is why I am reluctant to start anything with L. I'm starting to feel this way again, the crazy, unstable, ridiculous way. I can't help it. I feel like I'm going under. I'm not even sure if I like L that way now. Which is so stupid because just two days ago I was so sure of how I felt. Why can I not just work this out and have a normal relationship?

I am just not right.