B and L, of course.

Over the last few weeks, B and I have been texting a lot.
Maybe I should have nipped it in the bud when I realised where things were going, but I couldn't help myself.
I know I could so easily fall for her again, maybe I already am.
I know I am on dangerous ground here.
I don't want to get into anything, especially as we are both starting new lives in a new country. I know this is an excellent opportunity to start afresh, but I'm too scared to jump in with both feet. One foot in the past is safe, secure, a back up...

As for L, she has been texting a good bit too. I've been replying, but out of courtesy mainly.
She sent several messages in quick succession a few nights ago, clearly drunk. I have deleted them, but they were along the lines of 'I miss you so much. I wish I had never fucked up. I wish we were still together'.
I definitely do not feel anything for her anymore.

As for girls here at uni, there are a few I have noticed, but I haven't spoken to any of them. I don't actually know any gay people here (yet).
I signed up for the LGBT society; not sure what that will entail, and I may or may not attend, we'll see. It would help if I knew just one other person going.

Thinking positively.

I moved to England last Friday.
I'm writing this from my bedroom in my halls of residence.
My flat mates are not remotely what I was hoping for, it is very disappointing, and I have had to try very hard to make friends (something that does not come easily to me).

My younger sister, who started university in a different city a week before me, has had the complete opposite experience to me. Within minutes of meeting, her and her flat mates had bonded, and they have parties all the time with the flat above.

I know it could be worse, so I'm trying to think positively.

I'm determined that this has not been the wrong decision to have made.

Coping.

I am coping.
I have surprised even myself with this knowledge.
After all the shit that went down with B, I went completely under. I refuse to let that happen again, so I am keeping busy, and going online less (and staying off Facebook and Twitter entirely, can't put myself through seeing what she's up to).

Yesterday, as soon as I got home from work, I got on my mountain bike and cycled for about five miles. I thought my muscles were on fire; I haven't cycled in years! I didn't realise how uneven the roads were here, nor how much of this area was hilly. I came back for dinner, then went with my two brothers and two dogs to the beach. After we got back up home I got my watercolours out and worked on my travelling journal (1001 Journals), checked my e-mails, and went to bed to read.

Today, on my stupidly long lunch break from work, I took a walk around the park. After work, I grabbed some dinner, then headed into town. I got some groceries, then went for a power walk around the town, with an upbeat playlist on my iPod. It felt good! Although, I had to break into a sprint for the last five minutes, as a creepy man was following me. I spotted him about fifteen minutes before, acting suspiciously on his bicycle, hanging around. I had to cut up a lane up the side of some shops to get back to my car, and I knew he was going to follow me, even though it would mean turning back on himself. Sure enough, I looked back and he was a fair distance behind me. I casually tried to make it look like I had planned to start jogging (then sprinting), and as I got closer to my car I fumbled for the key in my pocket. He was really gaining on me, and my heart was pounding (I knew it wasn't just from running, there's a different kind of heart-racing, don't you think?). I cursed my damn central locking for being broken, but finally got into the car and mashed down the locks. He wheeled right past my window, staring in at me!
I decided to follow him for a bit, feeling safe inside my car. He was still looking dodgy, just cycling down streets, looking out for anything that moved, then crossing over and coming back up the same street again.
It was getting close to 10pm by this time, and I knew I had things to do once I got home, so I headed home.

Got home, started into making tomorrow night's dinner (4 bean chili, it's really good, if I may say so myself!), and then made my lunch for tomorrow as well.

I'm trying to eat healthily, and do more exercise (doing 'more' isn't difficult, considering I did none before), to lose some weight before uni.

Keeping busy is really helping me, it keeps my mind off the fact that my future plans have been washed away. Don't get me wrong, I'm still hurting, and even cried in Tesco earlier when a song came on that reminded me of L (I may be a dyke, but I'm still human!), but I'm definitely doing better than I thought I would be.