This is my life now...
Late nights. Spending too much money. Phone bill higher.
Smiling constantly. Genuinely happy. Creativity gushing out of me.
Sunday, 29 March 2009
Saturday, 21 March 2009
I don't really have much to say, I just felt compelled to update.
B is now completely out of my life, I have absolutely no contact with her at all, number deleted, Face Book and Bebo deleted, MSN deleted, photos destroyed. It feels so good!
Things with L are going really well. People have commented on how relaxed we are around each other, and a lot of my friends and colleagues have noticed how happy I've been lately, and have asked about the change in my general aura (that doesn't make much sense, but I can't think of how to word it).
I get to see her usually two or three times a week, which I totally cannot afford in petrol, but I don't care. When I see her on a weeknight, I suffer enormously the next day at work, because I usually don't get home until three or four in the morning, sleep for about three hours, then go to work. But again, I don't mind. I live more than an hour's drive from her, and that drive on my own, in the middle of the night, is so horrible, just after leaving her and knowing I won't see her again for a while.
I've been accepted by all her friends, which feels so amazing. Last week, I went with her to band practice, and her friend A (who is twenty years older than us) made us dinner before, and was so welcoming, even though she had never met me before. I saw her again last night at this charity thing, and while we were outside for a smoke, A pulled me aside for a 'chat'. She was telling me that she is a good judge of character, and from the moment I walked in her house she could tell I was a very genuine, open, friendly person, and that she got really good vibes from me. She was also saying that she saw how I looked at L, and how I acted around her, and she could tell how much I really liked her, and how genuinely happy I was. She said that she's been through a lot in her life, and has seen a lot of relationships come and go, but that she had a feeling that what L and I have is proper, and for life. I couldn't stop smiling, just to have someone say so many positive things about me and my relationship with L, it meant a lot.
L makes me want to be a better person, she is so accepting of my past and my insecurities and issues now. She is so talented, and just, incredible. Words fail me. She just makes me feel so happy, and like I am actually worth something.
B is now completely out of my life, I have absolutely no contact with her at all, number deleted, Face Book and Bebo deleted, MSN deleted, photos destroyed. It feels so good!
Things with L are going really well. People have commented on how relaxed we are around each other, and a lot of my friends and colleagues have noticed how happy I've been lately, and have asked about the change in my general aura (that doesn't make much sense, but I can't think of how to word it).
I get to see her usually two or three times a week, which I totally cannot afford in petrol, but I don't care. When I see her on a weeknight, I suffer enormously the next day at work, because I usually don't get home until three or four in the morning, sleep for about three hours, then go to work. But again, I don't mind. I live more than an hour's drive from her, and that drive on my own, in the middle of the night, is so horrible, just after leaving her and knowing I won't see her again for a while.
I've been accepted by all her friends, which feels so amazing. Last week, I went with her to band practice, and her friend A (who is twenty years older than us) made us dinner before, and was so welcoming, even though she had never met me before. I saw her again last night at this charity thing, and while we were outside for a smoke, A pulled me aside for a 'chat'. She was telling me that she is a good judge of character, and from the moment I walked in her house she could tell I was a very genuine, open, friendly person, and that she got really good vibes from me. She was also saying that she saw how I looked at L, and how I acted around her, and she could tell how much I really liked her, and how genuinely happy I was. She said that she's been through a lot in her life, and has seen a lot of relationships come and go, but that she had a feeling that what L and I have is proper, and for life. I couldn't stop smiling, just to have someone say so many positive things about me and my relationship with L, it meant a lot.
L makes me want to be a better person, she is so accepting of my past and my insecurities and issues now. She is so talented, and just, incredible. Words fail me. She just makes me feel so happy, and like I am actually worth something.
Tuesday, 3 March 2009
One day last week I got a very unexpected text from... B.
Months and months and I hear nothing.
All that crying and hurting, and more than anything, my self-hatred because of her, and from not hearing a friggin' thing from her, and when I finally do, I couldn't care less.
She was texting asking if I could get her any drugs, that she didn't want me to think she was using me but she had nowhere else to go and was really desperate.
Well, fuck that shit.
Hindsight is my best friend in this situation - she really did use me and is still trying to.
It felt so good to honestly not care.
Months and months and I hear nothing.
All that crying and hurting, and more than anything, my self-hatred because of her, and from not hearing a friggin' thing from her, and when I finally do, I couldn't care less.
She was texting asking if I could get her any drugs, that she didn't want me to think she was using me but she had nowhere else to go and was really desperate.
Well, fuck that shit.
Hindsight is my best friend in this situation - she really did use me and is still trying to.
It felt so good to honestly not care.
Thursday, 26 February 2009
Saturday, 21 February 2009
Books.
While I was on holiday last month, I didn't have a huge amount of money to spend, but I wasn't exactly begging either.
I went with my best friend, who is into her fashions, make up, celebrity type things, etc. So she spent a lot of time in designer shops, department stores, clothing boutiques, and the worst... underwear stores. She spent a lot of her dollars on clothes and jewellery.
I spent most of my time in bookstores. Obviously, we have bookstores at home, but all the books I am into reading are not available, and shop staff have rarely heard of authors I am asking about (my reading choices are not obscure, I just live in a stupid country), and therefore I end up buying most of my books and reading material over the Internet. So, imagine my utter delight when I discover a huge Borders a couple of hundred yards from my hotel! (We don't have a Borders at home, but it is my favourite shop in the world.)
I spent hours at a time in it, and spent most of my spending money there (and even used my credit card once... or twice). I had to bring back a whole separate suitcase just to get all my books home.
It is a pure addiction, I absolutely love books. I am never happy unless I know I have a big pile of books waiting to be read. If I am reading a book but don't have another lined up to read once I've finished the current one, I will be unsettled. Hence, I have more books than I can accommodate in my shitty residence. All the books I owned before I moved here (two and a half years ago) are ruined, due to damp and poor storage conditions. This is heartbreaking, because I truly treasure and look after my books, but I just have no other way of keeping them.
Even though I have many, many books lined up to read, I always love to get a good recommendation. I will read pretty much anything.
So, let me know, if you're a book lover, or even if you have only read one single book in your life, tell me what my next purchase should be, please, because I'd love to read it!
I went with my best friend, who is into her fashions, make up, celebrity type things, etc. So she spent a lot of time in designer shops, department stores, clothing boutiques, and the worst... underwear stores. She spent a lot of her dollars on clothes and jewellery.
I spent most of my time in bookstores. Obviously, we have bookstores at home, but all the books I am into reading are not available, and shop staff have rarely heard of authors I am asking about (my reading choices are not obscure, I just live in a stupid country), and therefore I end up buying most of my books and reading material over the Internet. So, imagine my utter delight when I discover a huge Borders a couple of hundred yards from my hotel! (We don't have a Borders at home, but it is my favourite shop in the world.)
I spent hours at a time in it, and spent most of my spending money there (and even used my credit card once... or twice). I had to bring back a whole separate suitcase just to get all my books home.
It is a pure addiction, I absolutely love books. I am never happy unless I know I have a big pile of books waiting to be read. If I am reading a book but don't have another lined up to read once I've finished the current one, I will be unsettled. Hence, I have more books than I can accommodate in my shitty residence. All the books I owned before I moved here (two and a half years ago) are ruined, due to damp and poor storage conditions. This is heartbreaking, because I truly treasure and look after my books, but I just have no other way of keeping them.
Even though I have many, many books lined up to read, I always love to get a good recommendation. I will read pretty much anything.
So, let me know, if you're a book lover, or even if you have only read one single book in your life, tell me what my next purchase should be, please, because I'd love to read it!
Monday, 16 February 2009
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