After the gig last night [which went well, apart from a guitar string breaking and it being very hot], I got home quickly to check my e-mails. B had replied, and I couldn't open the e-mail quick enough.
It was what I was hoping for.
She wants to be friends, but didn't contact me as she thought I wouldn't want to hear from her, etc.
It was short and sweet, but was enough to ease my mind.

I am currently writing an e-mail to B.
I need to clear the air with her, and the longer I don't hear from her, the thicker and muddier the air is becoming.
Writing down the mess that's in my head just isn't happening, I simply cannot put any of it into words. I've spent ages typing word after heartfelt word, only to read it back and see it as meaningless.
And whilst I felt strong in regards to her, like I could hold my own, I find myself reverting back to that pathetic puppy dog that is desperate for her attention. I don't know why I get like that with her, it's not like I need to be. Well, not then anyway.

I haven't sent it, I haven't even finished it yet, but I am already nervous about her reply [or, of course, her lack of reply].

What I want most is for us to meet up over a coffee [or six] and properly talk everything out. In theory. In reality, I'd be a nervous wreck, spill my coffee everywhere, not be able to speak my mind and just pretend it was all okay.

But, none of it's okay!

So, no hangover, no headache. Love it.
Drank a fair amount, but never got drunk. Just tipsy, if even.
It was an okay night. Didn't feel comfortable in what I was wearing, nor did I like how my friend J did my make-up. But G was there, and it was so awesome to hang out with her again.
I didn't text B, nor was I tempted to [okay, not that much].

Slept so well last night at R's house, such a comfortable bed. Spent the morning drinking coffee, eating a bacon sandwich, and talking with R, J and A [the girls I was out with last night] in our pyjamas. Got changed into jeans and a shirt [didn't bother with a bra, has felt brilliant all day!], drove home listening to my three most recent mix CDs, and spent all evening online, drinking coffee.

Using my self-restraint.

Place: My bed.
Listening to: Camp Out by An Horse.

It's Saturday!
I just woke up [2:30pm], and I'm going to go get a shower once I've finished this.
Then I have to get all my things together for tonight [partypartyparty] and for staying over at R's house. I have half a bottle of wine and a half bottle of Cherry Lambrini here, and I am going to stop at an off licence on the way to stock up more.
Tonight is going to be good.

Last night I watched Girl, Interrupted [I know, I watched a whole film!] and drank white wine, and it was so nice. Felt like I had never done something so... 'ordinary'.
My mum was talking to me last night when we were driving back from the town [before the movie and wine], thankfully I was driving so I could pretend I was concentrating on the road. She was trying [in vain] to get me to talk about 'that period' when I was in my late teens. Without going into detail, those were the dark years. She said something about how I was 'sad' then, and she thinks I still am. I just mumbled something about what did she expect when we've lived here more than two years and I still don't have a single friend here. She dropped it, or maybe I changed the subject, I can't remember, but I was sure-as-hell relieved she wasn't pushing it this time.
Aside from that, I was in a really good mood last night, and decided to mentally list 'Happy Things' that I am thankful for, and that keep me positive. Of course, not writing them down was a mistake - I have now forgotten them all.

A few nights ago I was talking online to a friend I was very close to in school, but since I moved and she started uni across the water, we've drifted apart. But, she knows about most of the B situation. She said that she thought the ball was in my court, and B is probably too scared to talk to me first in case I freak out and tell her I'm not ready to talk, or don't want to know her. I am now very unsure as to what to do. I mean, it was B who said she wanted to be friends. But, thinking back... I never said I wanted that too. I was close to sending her an e-mail on Thursday night after I saw everything in a different light, but then decided not to. I slept on it [twice now], and still want to send an e-mail, but I'm going to wait until tomorrow, because I didn't want her reply [or more likely, her lack of it] to ruin my night out tonight. I'd spend the entire evening wondering if she had replied, or dwelling on a reply she had sent. It's too much of a gamble. It could make my night complete and happy, or it could ruin it and have me depressed and emotional the whole night.
I have never used such self-restraint with her before. In the past, I would have sent the e-mail, ten texts, tried to talk to her on MSN, got other people to talk to her for me and written her a letter, within the first week. I am in a constant battle against these things, and the chances of me sending her a drunken text tonight are quite high, but I am going to try not to, I'll try and remember how long I've held out so far.

Wow, I started this thinking I had nothing really to say, and look, I've just taken up ten minutes of your time. I apologise.
Unwelcome Sound xx

Tuesday was good. Really, really nice day.
Wednesday was awful. I was exhausted, emotionally and physically, and when I finally got home I had a stupid argument with my mum, and ended up going to bed straight after dinner and just cried and cried until I finally fell asleep. Woke up two hours later with my iPod jammed into my shoulder, and barbed wire in my throat. Got up, had a drink, went back to bed to read 'Annie On My Mind', and couldn't sleep again 'til after one.

Today wasn't so bad. Glad it's Friday tomorrow.

Well, I am twenty-one.
Got so many lovely texts and cards from people.
But not a word from her.

Roll on Saturday night.

Rain.

Am I deluding myself by saying I'll start to look forward, not back, after my birthday? It's soon.
I'm not sure how to look forward, because I still see her in everything I do. I know I have to move on and get over the fact she doesn't want me, but it's not going to happen overnight.

I was planning to go into town tonight and try get something new to wear for the night I'm going out for my birthday [I'll be 21], but the rain is ridiculous, my drive home from work earlier was wild, really bad flooding and my fan belt is fucked. And I just don't feel like trudging round the shops in the dark, getting soaked. It hasn't stopped raining in like, 24 hours? More?

It hasn't even been a week since my sister left, and I already miss her like crazy. She seems to be having a pretty good time.

I'm so tired today. The last three days in work have been hectic, wish I wasn't left with so much responsibility. Of course the fact I've not been sleeping enough doesn't help. There's no proper excuse for it either, last night I stayed up late writing a song. I refused to go to bed until I had it finished.

It is mighty cold here, and I've no idea where everyone else is. Hello, leave me a note on the table/fridge please?

I'm going to take a trip to the off licence, does anyone want anything?

I miss my sister.
I miss B.

I miss my life a month ago.

Margie by Heathers.

Believe it or not I retraced my steps and I carried on walking back to where we first met, the stories we shared strewn all over the ground. The stories we shared, I wish I'd never found.

But I glued them back together, hoping everything would be better, and we'd be back together. Everything would be fine.

These things are meant to happen. And the evidence not forgotten. Everything will be better, everything will be fine.