My friend and her boyfriend are planning ahead to when they have children, and told me today they have already decided they want me to be godmother. Whilst they aren't even expecting yet, I felt so happy. This could be the closest I could ever get to having a child.
When I was at college, I took an extra class in counselling skills, and to get my certificate I had to spend a full day with the rest of the class and our tutor in a tiny room, and one of the activities we had to do was to make a collage on a piece of A3 paper, split into four sections [Myself; My Family; My Best Friend; My Hopes & Dreams for the Future], I spent so long on this project, tearing pictures and words out of various magazines provided for us. When we were finished [I wasn't quite done with mine, I remember feeling very rushed] we had to present it to the rest of the room, which of course, I hated doing.
But anyway, my point is, when I got home I put my collage up on my wall and my mum asked me a few days later about it. She said she noticed I had put in the Future section photos of babies and children, and a nice home etc, but no husband. At the time I thought nothing of it [bear in mind it took me a long time to figure out that the reason I felt different and out of place, was that I'm gay, I didn't know it at this point, although I did know I was attracted to other girls], but looking back, it is obvious why I didn't represent a male in this section.
Anyway, my point is, I have always wanted to have children, loads of children of my own.
My problem is, I can never see a time where I can come out to my family, therefore I can't have kids minus a husband. My family are strong, devoted Christians, and I was brought up this way.
Therefore, I have very different opinions on abortion, IVF, etc than most gay people.
I know I am only twenty-one, and I shouldn't have to worry about this right now, but even as I have grown up and 'figured myself out' as a lesbian [this took years, but I'm sure that's the same for a lot of gay people], I have still felt a strong maternal instinct.
It's not something I need to confront right now, as I am single and still live at home, but I constantly wonder where I'll be in ten years. Already, my life hasn't turned out remotely the way my naive twelve-year-old self thought it would.
About Me
- Unwelcome Sound
- The kind of girl who thinks too much, loves too much, and drinks too much. I will let you break my heart.
2 comments:
not many people's lives do turn out the way their adolescent selft thought it would. As much as I"m sure you love your family, it seems the only way to start living as who you are is to get out on your own. I know money keeps people from doing a lot of things, but maybe you should think about a trip of self-discovery...
Become the next Angie, she had a bunch of kids before Brad.
No one can argue with you being a mother Theresa. I get what you mean my mom found out I went out with a girl once and she’ll never let it go … in fact as far as she’s now concerned I’m the straightest of them all don’t worry about it your only 21 you’ve got time.
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