A lot of catching up to do.

So, the last time I posted, J was going to meet my parents.  It went really well, I was so so happy.  They have met a few more times since July, and J is coming over to spend New Year with my family.  I honestly never thought this would happen, not in a million years.

Things with my older brother still aren't great.  He has apologised again since sending that vicious email, and says he is ashamed of himself... yet his views haven't changed.  I think I find it easier to put it to the back of my mind because he is still living abroad, and won't be home until Autumn 2012 (and I'm not sure where I'll be living by then.  Hopefully far away.)

I think the biggest issue plaguing my mind currently is that I want to share my life with J, but my parents aren't keen to tell my extended family, or their friends/neighbours.  I have no idea how this will play out.  However, I am proud of my mum, because she told one of her friends (who is also the minister's wife), and this friend sent me an email saying some lovely things, including "I love you as though you were my own daughter and I will be fiercely protective of you."  It was wonderful to hear that.  I know it was not easy for my mum to tell her friend.

Baby steps, my friends, baby steps.

Belfast Pride

Happy Pride to everyone in Belfast today. I wish so much I could be there as an 'out' person for the first time.

Too much.

So, a lot has happened.
Too much to detail here.

Positive:
When I was at my parents' house in April I told them about J, and after a shaky start (Mum said "I just think of her as your friend"), my parents are doing really well.  Much better than I'd ever hoped actually, because next month they are meeting J!

Not so positive:
Last week I received an email from my older brother (who hasn't known I'm gay for long. He waited about four days before sending the email) criticising and damning me for five pages.  It was horrific, truly truly horrific, and I was upset for a long time.  He quoted Bible verses (like I don't know what they say already?) and made it very clear that he would never support this 'life that I have chosen'.
He had actually sent a copy of the email to my dad, who showed it to my mum and older sister.  They actually all read it before I did, as I was away for the weekend with no Internet connection.  They talked about it, and decided that my dad needed to talk to him about it.  So Dad replied to him and told him it wasn't acceptable.  However, the damage was done, and I still feel sick when I think about it.
My brother has since emailed me to apologise for being so harsh... but has made it clear that his feelings remain unchanged.

Anyway, I'm trying to focus on the good things, and I'm very grateful for the members of my family who are being supportive and want to meet my girlfriend.  When I think back to all the drama of my previous relationships, what I have with J is so fantastically uncomplicated and real :)

Going home.

I head 'home' (Northern Ireland) next week for a week or two, and I am pretty nervous about this because it will be the first time I see my parents since I 'came out'.  I'm sure it will be okay, but I'm dreading the inevitable initial awkward "so... should we talk about this?"

They don't know about J yet, even though it's been over five months.  I will tell them when I'm home, I am sure of it...

Guess who is no longer in the closet....

... me!

The kind of girl she is.

I was having a horrible day, struggling with an essay big time

I opened my front door and found this propped up against the door frame...

 

J.

What can I say?
My life is rather different now than it was two months ago.

J and I are officially together now after a brief period of 'dating' and basically acting like a couple anyway.

I never saw it coming at all but I'm pretty glad it did :)

I just got home from a date.
With J.
!

My mad life.

I cancelled the date.
The girl (H) was too stifling; she was constantly texting and messaging online and I felt smothered after only a week of chatting.
There is so much more I could say about that; it was a pretty consuming thing for me... until tonight.

Tonight I was out with my university's LGBT society, when my friend J told me she was going to break up with her girlfriend.  She was visibly upset about it, and I was comforting her, when she went on to tell me that she really likes me.
WHAT!?

Anyone who has read this blog for even a small while will know how utterly uneventful my first year at uni was, now it's all go go go!
(At this point I should mention how I 'pulled' two different girls last Wednesday night... hey it was my birthday, so I'm allowed, right?)

Oh yeah, I'm now 23.  How terrifying...

This entry is all over the place, just like my mind.

A date!

After being single for over a year.... I have a date!
Seriously....
Ahhh, I am so nervous.
I have never been on a proper date before, anyone I've ever had a 'thing' with has been a friend before.
Wish me luck, it's on Thursday.

I can't stop crying.
What is wrong with me?

An ideal Summer evening would be...

My best friend and I both in the same country.
Both driving to the city to meet half way.
Getting Starbucks to go.
Walking around the near-deserted city, not too hot but not cool enough for jackets.
Talking and talking and talking.


Tonight was the best.

Tegan and Sara were amazing.
That is all.

What the hell do I do?

Before I start this entry, let me just say for the benefit any new readers or anyone who just didn't realise: I am not 'out' to my family (excepting my younger sister).

I've been home (back to N. Ireland for the summer) for a week and a half and I don't know how much longer I can stay here.  Not 'til September, that's for sure!  At least five times, remarks have been made about gay people, the gay lifestyle and generally how "wrong it is".  This is mainly coming from my parents.
I've been getting on really well with my mum (when she's here, that is), and it's been eating away at me for a long long time now that I need to come out to her.  However, tonight I was watching TV with my mum and I was flicking through the channels and 'Dawn Goes Lesbian' was on the listings.  Mum said "I watched that Dawn program before, it was disgusting."  I'm sure you can imagine where the conversation went from there.  I kept relatively quiet but asked her why it was so bad.  She started with "All these women dress up as men..." (I waited for her to finish and explain what was so disgusting, but apparently this was bad enough).  I said "....so?" and she was affronted that I didn't find this appalling.  She went on to tell me how vile this gay culture is and how wrong it is, etc etc.
Earlier in the evening a drag queen was on TV and both my parents shouted "Turn that over" and "That is just sick".
However, possibly the worst of all was last week when I was explaining to my mum why a character on TV didn't know who her mother was; "She has two dads".  Of course Mum didn't get it at first, but once it clicked, she said "That's disgusting.  That should be illegal."  I said simply, "No, it shouldn't" and she said "Yes, it should" and she gave me a look that I can't even describe.

Basically, I'm just a mess, because any hopes I ever had of being able to come out to my family are now completely trashed.  They are so closed-minded, so set on their views of right and wrong, and nothing I can do will ever persuade them otherwise.  Their up-bringing and their generation has a lot to do with this, but mainly it's due to religion.  I was brought up Christian, and it's been so hard for me to even accept myself as gay; I don't think I can ever expect them to do the same.
I love my parents so much, and I'd say I have a good relationship with both of them, but I'm never fully myself, I never relax, and I constantly avoid situations or conversations where I know it could get awkward.  I guess I don't want to hear them slagging off gay people, so I leave the room or change the subject before I inevitably clam up and go quiet.
I know my parents love me, and I know they always will, that is not the issue here.  But once [if] they find out, I want them to like me, I want them to accept me and my lifestyle.

In my late teens I went through a rough time, and shut myself off from everyone.  I had no relationship with my family at all, especially my mum.  Now that I've finally got that back, I can't bear to lose it.  I've cried through writing this whole thing, I am just at such a loss here.

Still drunk.

Bought a litre of vodka this morning.  It is now finished.

If this is coherent and grammatically correct I will be very surprised.
Life is a joke.

B.

A few days ago I stumbled upon one of my old Photobucket accounts, and it contained a photograph of me and B from maybe five or six years ago.

For some reason I sent her a tweet telling her this.  She never replied.  It's been 24 hours.  I've been on the vodka ever since.

I just went on her Facebook.  I've not let myself do that for months.

Oh dear.  This is bad.

Shooting stars.

[B.o.B. featuring Hayley Williams -- Airplanes.]

Hello lovely people :)
I am still alive, I'm just bogged under with lots of stuff, tons of uni work, and exams coming up too.  I haven't done an exam in four years, so we'll see how this works out!

I'm off home for a few weeks, probably won't get to update (no Internet at home :\ ) so see you guys mid-April.
Unwelcome Sound xx
P.S. I got tickets to see the amaaaazing Tegan & Sara in June in Belfast! Well excited; never seen them live before :)