I don't have an awful lot to say, to be honest.
Had another random sort of weekend, but good nonetheless, despite my current dire financial situation.

As regards 'B', mildly dirty text messages were exchanged yesterday =\
Definitely does not help the situation, but made me smile, haha.

I need my coffee fix, but it's too warm here [eventually!] so I think iced coffee is on the way.

Coming out.

What a random weekend.
One of my sisters, S (18) and I went out driving in my car, and wound up going to a house party [no idea who actually lived in the house, but I knew some people at the party].
One of my friends, G, was there, as well as A, whom I mentioned before. Neither knew each other, but both were very drunk, and A decided it would be a good idea for me to tell my sister that I'm gay. My sister was also relatively drunk [I felt very left out, but being the driver I only had half a can of Strongbow], so when I dragged S, G, A, and E outside so I could smoke, A pulled S across the road and basically told her I'm gay. Then, when I went over to talk to her and confirm it, G came over too and I had to tell her too.
Very, very strange, but both S and G were absolutely fine about it. S said she had no idea, not even the slightest inclination, but G said she kind of always knew in a subconscious sort of way.

Still can't stop thinking about B, and imagining a million different scenarios where things work out for us. None of them likely, or possible, of course.

Feeling lonely.

I really, really wish she would text me.
I know, it's better I don't see her, I really do know this. But I physically ache for her.
I am finding this so difficult.
I don't know in what state things are between us right now, and that is possibly the hardest thing, not knowing.
I'm constantly thinking about July 8th. All the joking and banter, flirting and messing around. But behind all the jokes about which cot we'd pick for our children, and which sofa we'd pick for our living room, I could feel that it could be real. I wanted it to be real. She was right, people probably did think we were a lesbian couple, picking out things for our new house, and whilst I laughed at this, inside I loved the thought of that.

I'm trying so hard not to think of her. Everyone's advice is the same - I'm better having some space away from her, but it's just so fucking hard.
I don't want space, I want her!

She's going away tomorrow. God knows when I'll next see her, or even speak to her.
There's got to be somebody else out there feeling the same? Please tell me how to deal with this, I cannot do it.

Love.

I am obsessed with love. With the whole concept of it, with the idea of it, with imagery related to it, with people in it, with the word.

The image above, I found on LJ Secret. It's not really a secret as such, but I think it's so beautiful. Two people meeting, falling deeply in love, staying together for life, each unable to live without the other, literally until 'death do us part'.

Love is such an overwhelming thing, and it's generally supposed to wonderful, but right now, for me it's anything but.
I literally cannot get B out of my head. I haven't written anything about her here yet; there's a huge story to go with this girl.

Shortened version...? I've known her for five years. We've known each other since before either of us even figured out our sexuality. We became incredibly close friends and were pretty much inseparable, despite living in different counties, going to different schools, having completely different friends, etc. After about three years, something happened [I have no idea what, although I suspect it had something to do with the crowd she started hanging around with] and she informed me that she didn't think we should be friends any more. I was devastated, for lack of a better word. I was completely crushed, inconsolable. I mean, she was my everything, I didn't know what to do without her. But, of course, eventually, I learned, and I coped. Then, maybe two years ago, possibly less, we met again, and things slowly started picking up again, but never got back to what we had before. After a short while, we both admitted we had feelings for each other, but both had been too nervous and frightened to act upon it. Regardless, still nothing happened, and she started going out with a girl who lives in a different country. They have been on/off for over a year now. To keep it simple, I do not like this girl. [Yeah, yeah, I have never met her. I do not need to, trust me.] Anyway, B and I started hanging out more often at the end of last Summer and into September, still just innocently as friends, but always just the two of us. We went another while without meeting up in person, but kept in contact online or through texts.
Two weeks ago, completely out of the blue, I received a text from her saying something like "We should hang out soon, I miss seeing you. X". I should point out that every 11:11 wish I made was for her to say this to me. We arranged to meet last Tuesday. I used a lot of petrol [she doesn't drive] just driving around, but I didn't care. A lot of flirting was going on [it was okay, the on/off relationship was currently off], and eventually, when I had just parked up in Tesco car park, she said nervously, stumbling "Can I.... can I kiss you?" to which my heart was pounding so fiercely I was sure she could see it through my shirt. I said "Yes", cue the kiss I had waited five years for. We kissed again when I left her home. I drove home with the biggest smile on my face, dancing and being generally high on natural happiness.
Two days later, I was out clubbing with my best friend [R] and two other girls who I knew from school. Drunkenly, R and I decided it would be a good idea for R to text B, letting her know I don't stop talking about her, let alone stop thinking about her. Bad plan.
B told R that although she really liked me, she couldn't do anything with me, as her and the on/off girl were almost back on.
Cue heartbreak.
So, over the next couple of days I was texting B constantly, and she basically told me she'd be willing to be in a relationship with me, at the same time as on/off girl. I was in such a state of mental and emotional stress, I contemplated it, and practically agreed to it. I came to my senses the next day, and told her that no, I couldn't knowingly and deliberately carry out something so malicious. It nearly broke me to do this. I don't really know in what state things are with us at the moment, to be honest. She asked me to stay the night on Monday night, but I said no. Really, badly, wanted to say yes, and it would have been so easy for me to do it. But it doesn't matter how much I dislike her girlfriend, it's wrong. If something happened on a spur of the moment or something, I think it'd be different.

The whole thing has made me go right back to square one in regards to my panic attacks, general anxiety problems, and as for feeling 'alright' about being a lesbian, forget it.

One thing I have learned, though, is if she really did love me like she said she did, she wouldn't put me in that position. A secret relationship? I couldn't do it. I am too jealous a person. I need someone who's going to be honest, trustworthy and faithful. Having said that, if B left her girlfriend for me right now, I'd be with her in an instant. Last night, on MSN, I freaked out, big time, when I saw her display picture was of her and another girl [may I add, an incredibly beautiful girl], and I thought this was her girlfriend. It took a lot of 'research' and online 'stalking', but I eventually managed to discover this was not her girlfriend in the photo. I was then able to calm down. Irrational, much?

So, right now, I hate being in love. It's probably not love, if I hate it.

That was the shortened version, I swear.

Sleeping in throws me off for the entire day.

Place: Sofa, Living room.
Listening to: All Over Me [Danger Flowers]

I slept in this morning, woke up at 8:32am. I slept right through all my alarms. I normally leave for work at 8:30, so I freaked out. Felt crap about it 'cause it was my first day back after being off for a week and a half, but I made it for five past nine.

Being back in work today was really strange, that time off I had was the first proper time off I've had in a year since I started working there. And it really had me thinking all day, I am definitely going to look for another job, and get a place to live, somewhere far from here. I have to. I was talking on MSN to my friend A, and she really put this idea in my head. Living across the water in a city, with a new job that I actually want to get up for in the morning, is what I need. I can't live an honest life here, everything is a lie, and eventually this sneaking around and hiding things is going to get too much for me.

I tried to join gaydargirls.com but the filters my dad has put on this computer wouldn't let me on the website. Not sure how to get around that, maybe sort it out using someone else's computer or something. I know it's not urgent, but I'm just really needing something right now, someone to identify with and discuss things with, someone who sees things the same way as me, and is finding things as difficult as me, or previously has.

For now, I am going through the motions [work, home, sleep], adding in the fact I am now having a drink basically every night. Have a bottle of wine waiting for me once I wash up the dishes from dinner and feed the dogs.

When I was tipsy last night and couldn't sleep, I was texting R [best friend I mentioned yesterday] and said something like "One day I will find a fantastic girl who won't string me along or be a player, and we'll live in a gorgeous apartment together." And whilst it was all drunken stupidity, it is what I want really. Everyone thinks I love being single [I tell them this so they get off my back about not having a boyfriend], but really, deep in my heart, I long for someone so badly it physically aches.

Feeling a bit vulnerable now I've admitted that, so I'm going to go and clean up here. Will probably make another post later if I have any luck in the job searching.

Love, Unwelcome S. x

Stalking?

So, today was my last day off work, back tomorrow unfortunately.
I got up around half 1, just as the rest of my family left to go to a show.
I was delighted as this left me at home alone, to go online and just not have them annoying me and being on top of me.
I slowly got showered and dressed, I had to force myself to clean myself up, as I looked like shit. Barely slept or eaten in a week. When I felt like I couldn't feel any lower, I went to pick up the mail, and the T&S CD [This Business of Art] I ordered weeks ago was there! This cheered me up, and I literally skipped all the way back over to play it.
I went into town to deliver a card, and couldn't face coming home, so I drove around and around town, with the windows down and my new CD at volume 22.
Then I saw her - the girl I see quite a lot. She works in Tesco, and anytime I go in looking crap, she's there, but anytime I make an effort to look decent, she's not there.
Anyway, she was with a friend, and as I drove past them (the second time), her friend looked back and glanced in at me, hehe.

Last night, I was out for a walk with my best friend around the city. Love doing that, because during shopping hours the city is crazy and you can't move, but at night it's empty and lovely to walk around. Anyway, we came across the square and these two girls were walking in front of us, holding hands, being all touchy feely, etc. And it literally made my heart lift and sink at the same time. It made me so happy to see them being so openly 'together', especially when they stopped to kiss. But then I got so sad, knowing I can never be like that, never walk around holding a girl's hand for fear of someone seeing us.

I want to move away, across the water. This double life is killing me.

First entry.

Place: Kitchen table.
Listening to: My Number by Tegan & Sara.


I have crossed the line from LJ to Blogger. I feel like a traitor.
But I needed something new, something anonymous.
To anyone reading this, I intend to update this pretty often, and hopefully you'll get to know me and my life pretty well.

I guess I should just keep this first one simple, until I get a proper feel for this.
I am a twenty year old female from the UK. I live with my family in the back arse of nowhere, and am so completely different to any of my siblings or either of my parents. I'm single.

Music wise I love Tegan & Sara, Missy Higgins, KT Tunstall, Alex Parks.
I love reading, will always pick a book by its cover, or go on a recommendation.
TV and movies are not my thing in the slightest.
I love driving in my lovely wee car, even if she does break down and require fixing a lot.

I hope to fill this with pictures, stories and all sorts of various things that my weak internet connection will allow.

For now,
Unwelcome Sound. xx