Do you remember?

Dear Best Friend,
Remember that awesome holiday we had in January? The possible-once-in-a-lifetime one for us?
I wish I could go back there right now. As my dad yells at me, as I wonder if I will finally get any sleep tonight, as I cry again, as I wonder how my life got to be like this. I wish I could go back there right now.


Do you remember rolling across the hotel bed while I counted how many rolls it took you to get from your side to mine, it was that big?

Do you remember laughing at me as I got excited when I found Snapple in WalMart? We can't get it at home, and you mocked me so many times, copying how I'd said it excitedly that first time.

Do you remember us getting extremely drunk at a random frat party, me singing Jimmy Eat World with some guy playing guitar, you throwing up in the bathroom, us smoking outside with no coats on in sub-zero temperatures?

Do you remember walking to Target in the snow up that steep hill? Us slipping and our friend taking a picture right before we went down? And how the last 't' in the sign was missing, so we referred to the store as 'Targe' from then on?

Do you remember the amount of people that asked us if we were British? And when, upon finding out where we're really from, claimed to be Irish? And our disappointment when this failed to get us any free Soy Lattes?

Do you remember being so cold we were crying, but it being worth it to get those awesome burgers?

Do you remember us running the hotel corridors at 3am, flipping everyone's Do Not Disturb signs around? And jumping from floor to floor to all the vending machines, to get enough food to last us another sleepless night?

Do you remember finding the rooftop gym on our last night? Our late-night 'workout'?

Do you remember how brilliant it was to live by our own schedule? To not have to worry about work, rent, keeping our families happy, or meeting deadlines? When the only decisions we had to make were where we should go for dinner?

Yeah, I remember too.

I remember the free mocha we scored because the waiter made a mistake. I remember the giant pack of Oreos we ate while watching Obama's inauguration in bed. I remember the snow being so deep we could barely walk. I remember the city at night being the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I remember never wanting to go home.

Love, N.

Uh oh.

Last night I received a text from L. One I wasn't expecting, and really didn't want, if I'm honest.

Basically, she is on holiday and is not having a good time, as she realised she made a 'huge mistake'.
It's 'killing' her.
She desperately wants us to talk when she gets home.
It ended with 'I love you'.


I am not going back there. I'd never fully trust her again after what she did to me, how she made me feel. She broke up with me over text for God's sake.

Sure, I'll meet up with her, we never talked it over in person, and I need my stuff back before I go to university in a few weeks.
But we are not getting back together.

Storms.

Things have taken a different turn.
I won't let it falter me, though. That doesn't sound like very good English.

B has been back on the scene. She recently told me she's still in love with me, says she always has been. "You've always been the only one for me, you're my only love."

No, thank you. I am so past that, I am unrecognisable from the person I was this time last year.
But, now she insists that I led her on, made her believe I still have feelings for her.
Trust me, I definitely do not.

Last Saturday night, while out drinking and dancing with my younger sister and our friend, I got a very unexpected text from L. I hadn't heard anything from her in a full week, and wanted to keep it this way for a while. Anyway, being drunk, I texted her back, and lots of text messages were sent that night. I put it down to her being drunk, but I woke up to another one the next morning. I didn't feel compelled at all to reply, but I sent a brief one out of courtesy, but no more, despite her sending another.

On Monday, she headed off on holiday, and I was relieved to think I'd have two full weeks to really get my head showered, knowing I definitely wouldn't see or hear from her.
Except, I got a text from her on Wednesday. Something about being by the pool listening to some track we both love.
I didn't reply.

I'm at the point where I know I wouldn't go back to her (not that she insinuated she wanted that). Yes, I love her, yes, I miss her. But, I'll never forget what she did to me. How she made me feel. How she deliberately hurt me. It's just not something I can get over in a week. Sure, I want to be friends with her, but not yet.

I'm off for a power walk with my dog and my iPod. It's probably not a good idea to go out by the sea tonight; I may not survive the raging storm outside. So, if I never blog again, tell everyone I was a completely normal, friendly, level-headed, balanced person :) (You'd lie for me, right?)

Coping.

I am coping.
I have surprised even myself with this knowledge.
After all the shit that went down with B, I went completely under. I refuse to let that happen again, so I am keeping busy, and going online less (and staying off Facebook and Twitter entirely, can't put myself through seeing what she's up to).

Yesterday, as soon as I got home from work, I got on my mountain bike and cycled for about five miles. I thought my muscles were on fire; I haven't cycled in years! I didn't realise how uneven the roads were here, nor how much of this area was hilly. I came back for dinner, then went with my two brothers and two dogs to the beach. After we got back up home I got my watercolours out and worked on my travelling journal (1001 Journals), checked my e-mails, and went to bed to read.

Today, on my stupidly long lunch break from work, I took a walk around the park. After work, I grabbed some dinner, then headed into town. I got some groceries, then went for a power walk around the town, with an upbeat playlist on my iPod. It felt good! Although, I had to break into a sprint for the last five minutes, as a creepy man was following me. I spotted him about fifteen minutes before, acting suspiciously on his bicycle, hanging around. I had to cut up a lane up the side of some shops to get back to my car, and I knew he was going to follow me, even though it would mean turning back on himself. Sure enough, I looked back and he was a fair distance behind me. I casually tried to make it look like I had planned to start jogging (then sprinting), and as I got closer to my car I fumbled for the key in my pocket. He was really gaining on me, and my heart was pounding (I knew it wasn't just from running, there's a different kind of heart-racing, don't you think?). I cursed my damn central locking for being broken, but finally got into the car and mashed down the locks. He wheeled right past my window, staring in at me!
I decided to follow him for a bit, feeling safe inside my car. He was still looking dodgy, just cycling down streets, looking out for anything that moved, then crossing over and coming back up the same street again.
It was getting close to 10pm by this time, and I knew I had things to do once I got home, so I headed home.

Got home, started into making tomorrow night's dinner (4 bean chili, it's really good, if I may say so myself!), and then made my lunch for tomorrow as well.

I'm trying to eat healthily, and do more exercise (doing 'more' isn't difficult, considering I did none before), to lose some weight before uni.

Keeping busy is really helping me, it keeps my mind off the fact that my future plans have been washed away. Don't get me wrong, I'm still hurting, and even cried in Tesco earlier when a song came on that reminded me of L (I may be a dyke, but I'm still human!), but I'm definitely doing better than I thought I would be.

Downtime.

This is the longest I've gone without speaking to her, or texting at least.

After managing to keep busy most of the time, I'm now getting ready to sleep, and downtime is really not good. It allows my mind to run through everything. It allows me to think 'What did I do wrong? Where could I have done something differently', and generally beat myself up about it all.

I'm at the numb stage; I guess I'm glad for that right now.

All the things she said, that wasn't her. That wasn't the girl I know and love.
Something's going on, I've a feeling there's more to it than "Long distance won't work."

My sister doesn't understand how I'm not mad at her.
How can I be angry at her when I'd take her back in a heartbeat?

It's over.

L broke up with me today.

I'm a mess. I was not ready for it to be over. I fought and fought, but I think it was getting pathetic.

What now?

She doesn't want to see me.
I'm a mess.

It's our six-month today.

I don't know what the right thing to do is.

Still not talking about uni.

Is it okay to still be feeling incredibly unsure?