Thinking positively.

I moved to England last Friday.
I'm writing this from my bedroom in my halls of residence.
My flat mates are not remotely what I was hoping for, it is very disappointing, and I have had to try very hard to make friends (something that does not come easily to me).

My younger sister, who started university in a different city a week before me, has had the complete opposite experience to me. Within minutes of meeting, her and her flat mates had bonded, and they have parties all the time with the flat above.

I know it could be worse, so I'm trying to think positively.

I'm determined that this has not been the wrong decision to have made.

My last night out.

I have no idea how to even blog about this. Where do I start?

I met L yesterday. It was so awkward.
We had arranged to meet at Starbucks at 5pm. But, I got caught in traffic, and ended up getting there almost twenty minutes late. We had absolutely nothing to talk about, and I simply did not want to be there. I did most of the talking, babbling on about shit, just to fill the horribly long silences. I couldn't even look her in the eye. Thankfully, she brought [some of] my stuff. I'm going to just forget about the things she didn't bring. When we left 'bucks, she stood by my car while I got her things for her and then continued to stand there after I'd given them to her. I said "Okay, well, I'm sure I'll talk to you soon... bye" and got into the car. I was not going to hug her, and I was most definitely not going to offer her a lift home, but it seemed like that was what she was hanging around for.
The second I drove away I felt single for the first time since we broke up.
She sent a text not twenty minutes later saying "Hey, thanks for meeting me. I'm sure you didn't want to. It was good to see you x".
I replied a few hours later saying "No problem. Take care."

I wish my entry could end here. Unfortunately, there is more drama.

Last night, I went out for my 'last night out' with my two best friends before I leave. We went to a gay night at a club in the city. We were having a great time, I was tipsy before we even got there, and the music was brill.
Then, B texted to say she was coming over to 'say goodbye'. I asked her not to, but turned out it was too late, she was already there. I ran to the bathroom and locked myself in a cubicle. I sent a text to one of my friends and told her I was not leaving the cubicle until B was away. I did not want to see her, not there, not then. This was supposed to be my night out with my girls.
So my friends went looking for her, to ask her to leave, to please not do this to me, but they couldn't find her. Meanwhile, I was still locked in the toilet cubicle, shaking and on the verge of crying. B texted to say "I'm in the smoking area, please come out for two minutes."
So I did.
My friends stood at the other side of the courtyard and watched to see I was okay, but went back inside once I let them know it was alright to do so. I went over to her and said quietly, "What are you doing here?"
She said, "I just wanted to say goodbye."
I could barely look at her. I had nothing left to say to her, we've been round and round in circles. She knows how I feel. There is a part of me that will always keep her in one tiny fragment of my being, but I don't love her anymore, and I am not letting myself fall back there again. It's taken me too long to get to this point, I've worked too hard and pushed myself time and time again, so that I could lift my head again and get back on my feet.

After half an hour of her begging, "Please, I love you. I am so in love with you" I just wanted to get back to my friends (my straight friends who were in the gay club for my sake).
She kept hugging me and more than once went in to try and kiss me.
Each time I moved away and eventually I had to say "Don't. Just don't, okay?"
She would say "Okay, I'll fuck off then" and I just kept my head down. Then she'd walk away a little distance, stop, and come back. She did this about three times.
It got to the point where I really wanted to be alone, but she would not leave.
She said "Tell me to go, and I'll go."
So, I said quietly "Go" but of course she didn't.
In the end, I stood up, said "I'm sorry but I just can't do this. Goodbye."
And I walked away.

I walked back into the club, I went to the bar and bought a round of drinks for my friends (who were on their way to look for me as it happens), and we danced, laughed, took photographs and drank until our ride home arrived.

Of course, B was texting constantly even after I walked away, but I've heard nothing from her today.

Two exes in one day, it was a little too much for me.
I don't feel that I owe anything to B or L.
Was I a bitch?

Feel it in my bones.

I cannot get enough of this song.
Feel It In My Bones by Tiesto featuring Tegan & Sara.

It fills me with something that I can't describe.

Energy.
Drive.
Life.

Dread.

I'm meeting L tomorrow.
I am really dreading it. I don't want to see her. Not at all.
But she asked to meet for "coffee and a chat", and I do need my things back, so I agreed.

I feel sick.

I changed my header again.
I like this one better.
I'm thinking of doing a post explaining my blog name.
Maybe. Maybe not.

If anyone cares or is interested, I will.

I changed my blog layout, and made a header.
It's a bit lame looking, but I had to do something with it.

Ten random things about me.

1. I chew gum constantly. If I need to take it out of my mouth for any reason (haha), I find somewhere to put it (the side of my drinking glass, my steering wheel, the back of my phone...) and go back to it later.

2. I love to play Scrabble. Nowadays I play it online against a stranger usually, but I have very fond memories of playing it as a child with my mum on her big white bed while my dad was working late.

3. I drink so much coffee, that I once did a detox and had to quit three days in because my withdrawal symptoms from coffee were so bad.

4. I can't stand poor spelling, punctuation and grammar. Your/you're is one of the worst!

5. I used to be seriously terrified of dogs, now they're my favourite animal.

6. When I was thirteen I asked my mum if I could get my labret pierced (just under the centre of my bottom lip). She said no, but if I still wanted it when I was eighteen and out of school, I could get it done then. She assumed I would grow out of the idea, but I got it done the day of my last A Level, and still have it in now.

7. I am very prone to coldsores; any time I am stressed, overtired, under pressure or anxious, it is 99% certain that a coldsore will appear on my lip. I have two right now.

8. Although I know I shouldn't, I love a wee cigarette. I think a girl smoking is really sexy; it's an instant turn-on.

9. I love to sing. I have sung a few times for my older brother at acoustic gigs while he plays guitar, once even at an engagement party, but he appears to have dropped me from his act recently. I miss singing.

10. The walls of my bedroom are one giant collage of photos, postcards, magazine cuttings and other random things. The blue/green paint is barely visible.

I need your advice.

I really need advice on this, please help me.

I'm moving to England in ten days, and really have to get my stuff back from L.
We've hardly had contact (two feeble MSN conversations and a few weak texts), so I don't just want to send her a text or e-mail saying "I need my things back".
In all honesty I had expected to hear from her by now, she's been home from her holiday for a week, and she had said "please let's talk when I'm home" in her last text. But nothing.
I don't want our first contact to be me asking for us to give each others things back, it seems so final and like I'm not giving a chance to talk things over. But she refused to talk for days, weeks, when I begged her to.

I don't know how to broach this issue. The other thing is, where do we meet?
How does this normally work? I've never done this before.
She doesn't drive, and as there is some heavy stuff (like her massive case of CDs I can barely carry) I'll have to drive down to her town. I don't want to go to her house, and I don't relish the idea of picking her up anywhere. It wouldn't feel right having her in my car again.

I have no idea how I'm going to react when I see her again, or how she's going to be around me either.

Please give me your advice - how do I bring this up without being callous, and where should we meet?
I'm really nervous about it.

Men.

I was out tonight with my younger sister and her friend, as it was my sister's last Saturday night here before she moves to uni.

Three different guys came on to me. Let me start by saying - this never happens, and more importantly, I do not like it.

The first guy was on the dance floor before anyone else was even near it, the club was pretty empty, most people were just hanging around at the bars. He was dancing alone, really sexy moves and pretty much just loving on himself. Next thing, he danced over to where we were, moves my sister and her friend out of the way (and let's be honest, they were both just as shocked as I was that he didn't go for either of them), and started 'dancing' 'with' me ('dancing' because he was just trying to be really sexual, gyrating, bumping, grinding, his body right on mine, and 'with' because he was more dancing 'at' me, I wasn't reciprocating). Immediately, everyone else in the club was watching, pointing, probably laughing. I tried to move away from him, I was exceedingly uncomfortable, but he wouldn't take the hint, and I was getting more and more humiliated by the second. Words cannot describe how much this kind of attention embarrasses me. Eventually, after thrusting his ass in my crotch several times (it hurt, he was a big guy, and must have had a belt buckle or something on) he walked away, leaving me feeling really... dirty, and violated. I'm not the type of person to be violent or rude to anyone else, so I just waited it out until he was done, I didn't want to give a rise or a reaction, but I was totally humiliated.

The second guy grabbed me about an hour later, I was walking past his table and he reached out and took my hand. I automatically pulled away, but then realised I knew him (sort of). He was kissing my cheek and I pulled away, and then explained that we used to hang around from time to time when I was about fifteen years old. He kept hugging me, kissing my cheek and bringing his face right up to mine. After what felt like ages, he could tell I wasn't interested, and left me so he could go and hit on my sister.

The third guy was the friend of boy number two.  He introduced himself by kissing me right on the lips. I jerked away, while he continued to try and kiss me all over my face. My stomach was actually churning, and I just turned my back on him and walked away. I'm told he gave me the fingers at this point. Nice. My sister jumped in and shouted to him (and everyone else) "She's not interested, she's GAY!"  He didn't believe her (oh come on, I have short hair, and while every other girl in the club is wearing a short dress, I'm wearing jeans, a button-up shirt and a waistcoat!), so he came over to ask me. I repeated what my sister had told him, and he shook my hand!
"It was worth a try, eh?" he said. Cheeky bastard.

The club was heaving, I literally could not move an inch. The people in it were complete posers and dicks. I've never been in a place that bad before. The way everyone was getting on, it felt like they were all in on something big, and I was the joke.

For all those hundreds of drunk people, I could not see a single other gay girl. Until we were walking out, when I spotted a really hot bar maid.

I am so glad to be at home, in bed, away from all those sleazy men. What makes them think it is okay to be so lecherous and downright creepy towards girls? It's horrible, I feel so disgusting right now.
For those girls who live for that kind of attention in clubs, please learn to respect yourself, have some dignity. It makes me so sad that girls feel the need to dress in barely anything, flaunt their bodies shamelessly on the dancefloor with a vodka in each hand, just to get some kind of attention.
There's got to be more than this.

[Edit: I am not telling this story to seem big-headed in any way, trust me, this was a very unusual night for me, and one I hope is never repeated.]

[Another edit: a friend just asked me "Did it not feel awesome that someone was giving you attention, even if it was the wrong sex?!". Dear God, some people just do not get it.]

A change.

I haven't seen L since we broke up.
Since before it, actually.
Since Wednesday, August 5th.

In the first couple of weeks after she split with me, my resolve was incredibly high. I was determined to be positive and look to the future, and not let myself flounder like I had done so many times previously.

Even when she texted while on holiday to say she'd made a huge mistake and basically implied she wanted to get back together, I was determined not to back down. I genuinely didn't want to.

This week has been different.

I've been thinking about her so much.
Regardless of everything, of every reason I've listed in my head as to why we were never a good match, of all the ways she didn't treat me well, of all the times I felt inadequate... I miss her.

I haven't heard from her since she got back on Tuesday, maybe she discovered I'd removed her from my Facebook and Twitter (not to be malicious or bitchy, purely because I couldn't put myself through seeing her updates all the time).

On Monday night I was in my old hometown (where L lives) for my best friend's birthday, and I met two of L's friends on separate occasions. It was really good to see them both, but I've come to the conclusion that this is the reason I am feeling so unsteady now.

My head really hurts right now, and I am just so glad it is the weekend, I don't think I could actually get out of bed early tomorrow (well, today actually, just glanced at the clock).

I just don't know what to do. This post is a complete mess. I feel like I'm letting myself down by even considering any of this.

Two weeks until I leave for uni.

I've been thinking about her a lot lately.
L, that is.